I would posit that there are a lot of people running around who think they are on-track to go to heaven but will be in shock when they are turned away from the pearly gates.
If God were a Product Manager, They would look at their Heaven Admission metrics and be pretty frustrated because the admission numbers to Heaven are atrocious.
Only 54% of American Christians believe that they will experience heaven after they die according to thegospelcoalition. Here’s hard data from Steven Pinker.
Any decent product manager would take the time to understand their user base and determine the root cause behind the failure to make the win for heaven despite a killer value proposition (eternal bliss).
A break-down of people failing to enter heaven would reveal the following major clusters:
Casual believers. They celebrate the big holidays but don’t really put any effort into following the rules or being pious. They equate religion with a cultural identity. I’m talking about meat-eating Hindus, crab-eating Jews, whisky-loving Muslims and Easter bunny Christians.
Non-believers. This cohort would show up in the waiting room at the Pearly gates and be astonished! Some of them would hold out hope, naively, that because they were pretty decent people they would still enter. However, they did nothing to express their love for God and that has to be as showstopper.
“True” Believers. Heaven’s admission department must be flooded with people who put significant effort into preparing for their entrance into heaven only to be shocked when the big lever is pulled plunging these superficially pious people to eternal damnation. These are people who follow the rules but aren’t really pious. They are the ones who insist on having their names on plaques advertising their piety and financial success to the world. They are the ones who show up at the temple just in time for the free lunch and miraculously avoid religious instruction or any volunteer opportunities.
HeavenlyHelper scores your likelihood of entering heaven
For Buddhists and Hindus, the app would assess what their next reincarnation would look like.
The app scores your virtue based on the following parameters:
How much you love god. If you’re Christian, do you love god enough to sacrifice your own child?
How decent you are towards your fellow human beings. Do you pickup your dog’s poo even when nobody is around to judge you?
Are you adhering to the rules that you signed up for? Are you first in line for the stoning of adulterers?
Like any good app, HeavenlyHelper will analyze your score and suggest ways you can improve your score.
All app developers hope to create a defensible moat that makes it hard for others to compete. In the case of HeavenlyHelper, we have God-powered omniscience. Like any good self-help app, ours would be full of helpful suggestions giving you tips on how to improve your score.
FAQs
Why would a user believe this app is true?
It has an inner truth revelation feature that users experience every time they open the app. This feature discloses an intimate truth about the user to the user that nobody else could possibly know. This feature proves the divine power of the app to the user, keeps them coming back for more and will result in the user proselytizing to others about the power of the app.
Do most people get into heaven or if applicable do they get promo-ed on the next re-incarnation?
No. Heaven is only for really special people and escaping the endless cycle of rebirth is very difficult.
How would this app work across faiths?
The app knows who you are and which faith you subscribe to. It will hold you accountable to all of the rules for that faith.
What if you are an atheist or agnostic and you download the app?
Atheists will be presented with warning that they need to jump onboard. Agnostics will be assessed based on their piety and god-loving metrics.
What if you adhere to the teachings of an evil person?
So long as you really love god, your fellow humans and are doing your best to follow the evil person’s rules then you’re good to go.
How does this app get built?
God drops some code into Github that provides a heaven-to-iOS/Android API. The API returns a score based on the user. The API is powered by divinity and inscrutable. God invites the world’s best developers to build HeavenlyHelper. When they click on the invitation, God is revealed in all their glory instantly. Invitations are always accepted!
Is there always a path to heaven?
No. However, HeavenlyHelper will lie to those users with no chance of getting in and give them a false sense of hope. Otherwise, without hope, they will become dangerous to the rest of society.
How will society be impacted by HeavenlyHelper?
The app may cause society to behave better overall. However, there will be many interesting side effects.
Dating would become really interesting. Perhaps, people with similar scores are matched on dating apps. Maybe lying about one’s score becomes similar to lying about one’s height.
Politicians will be expected to disclose their HeavenlyHelper scores during their political campaigns. Some politicians will be reluctant. The electorate should be able to get quarterly updates on elected officials’ scores. International negotiations will become interesting. Participants will have to assess how a lie for the good of humankind is going to impact prospects for entering heaven.
Kiran and I really appreciate you!
Great question about whether I, as an atheist, would download the app.
I would download the app with the same mindset that I would play with a Ouija board. Not believing in the idea but interested in having some fun. However, one of the features of the app is that it presents you with a deeply personal insight about you. An insight about you that nobody else could possibly know. This would have the result of turning an atheist like me into a believer. I would think that over time as the app's popularity grew we would see a decline in atheism.
Regarding the audio, I noticed the same thing this morning. I have spoken to our chief audio engineer (Kiran) and he is going to look into it.
Interesting article, Vijay. I just finished listening to the podcast and really appreciate the special 'shout out.' It is my first podcast shout out ever. :)
So, since you are an atheist, would you download the app since you would be presented with a warning that you need to jump onboard?
I noticed the sound editing for this episode had Vijay's voice coming into my right ear and Kiran's voice into my left. It made me think of an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, each telling you different things to do. I couldn't decide which of you would be which, but thought you would appreciate hearing this listening experience I had. I prefer when both voices are in both ears. Then I don't have to categorize you into good/bad. :)